thursday, november 7
    I started this blog a year or so ago hoping to find others like myself. Instead, i have only found that i am alone and there is no place for me in this world. So what do i do?  
  -the sister at 8:29 AM  
 
thursday, october 31
    Is it just me or is blogger sort of moody and enetation completely fucked up and tripod just plain crummy?  
  -the sister at 11:30 PM  
 
    With this wonderfully non-commercial halloween well-nigh over, i must send off my letter to santa, forthwith. Here's my first draft:

Santa Claus
Korvatunturi
Finland

Halloween 2002ish. ?.

Dear Mr. Santa,

I've been somewhat good all year and i think this entitles me to a little something. I mean, of course, something above and beyond good health, a beautiful home on a somewhat beautiful (albeit increasingly overurbanised) island, the unconditional love and support of a good man, freedom to explore my creativity, pets that haven't yet ganged up and torn me into big chunks and little chunks because i'm so impatient with them because they're so STUPID, a wonderfully vivid and exciting dream-life and an impressive alcohol tolerance.

As i was saying, i've been good; i didn't once snap at the snooty, stumpy librarians or completely ignore all those people who paused to say something inane about my bicycle. I haven't hurt any teenagers or blown up any monster-homes.
So here is my list

-Zero population growth
-Charm, wit, intelligence and beauty.
-Lower standards. But just enough to enable me to become a fully-functional member of society if and when the urge strikes me.
-Justice.
-Tolerance.
-Equal rights AND RESPONSIBILITIES for all.
-Don't let my mother find me.
-Talent. Any kind as long as it doesn't manifest itself in teenage fashions. Especially complicated running shoes.

I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact someone. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
the sister

p.s. If it helps my cause at all (and even if it doesn't), i'd like to donate 40 pounds of excess body fat to your "Toys for Tots" christmas drive.

p.p.s. Please give my compliments to Mr. Halloween. Those plastic "carved pumpkins" are positively inspired. They completely eliminate the need for all that messy carving requiring some rudimentary skill and creativity. Plus they'll never biodegrade. (my motto has always been: "Make mine plastic. It's better than the real thing.") And the cheapo, single use costumes in baggies...pure genius! No individuality or effort necessary; perfect for today's child.

 
  -the sister at 11:25 PM  
 
monday, october 28
    Once again i am overwhelmed by the selection  
  -the sister at 1:32 PM  
 
sunday, october 27
    Yay, it's Turny-Backy-Clock-Day and we gain an hour. I think we should do this every day.  
  -the sister at 12:37 AM  
 
saturday, october 26
    Last night i spent an intensely erotic weekend in a cheezy hotel in some warm foreign country.

Three young guys shared a sordid suite a couple of floors above mine. The really handsome guy was utterly indifferent to my charms, the fat guy was only interested in food. But the cigar-smoking guy in the hat was immediately and intensely attracted to me.

The dream wasn't graphic, it wasn't about the physical relationship between me and the guy in the hat. It was about the tension that grew and evolved between us, about desire and being desired, anticipation, promises and finally, at the last possible moment, fulfillment.

I'm going to have a cold shower now.

  
  -the sister at 10:27 AM  
 
    70|o 10 |)\3@50|\|5 !75 600|) 70 |33 |o|{@7. Vo.
|
(the above took 17 minutes to write. But damn i'm :~{}{}\..! )

1. i'm no longer perpetually cold
2. i have big...ger breasts
3. i bet i float better
4. i need a whole new wardrobe
5. at the current rate of expansion, i will soon be visible from space
6. gravity has a better grip on me
7. my bathroom scales won't get bored pointing to the same number all the time
8. i'm no longer perpetually cold
9. i have big...er breasts
10. i bet i float better

But enough about me.

A few months ago, we received an unaddressed envelope chock-full of "Valuable Offers!". It lay unopened in the kitchen junk-drawer until today. Here's a small sampling of the "Valuable Offers Inside!":

  • a Limoges-style (whatever that is) Music Box entitled "Teachers Are the Heart of Learning" by The Bradford Exchange. It's a 5.5cm (2-inch) tall apple-shaped affair in "precious Heirloom Porcelaine" that plays "the uplifting melody of 'Wind Benath My Wings'. I personally know 2 teachers that will LOVE this "heartfelt tribute to a most important profession".

  • a "STOP! LOOK! READ! How'd you like to win a State-of-the-Art Bed! Somebody will win. Why not you?" "As seen on TV!"? (insert pic of smiley old person here) -Ultramatic bed

  • a free 30-day supply of Bloussant, a "pure and natural herbal formula" to "Increase Breast Size. Naturally...Guaranteed!." "Not available in stores." With a helpful "Computer Generated Simulation"-diagram of an increasing bustline, with arrows indicating direction of growth. And testimonials. You gotta have testimonials.

  • "A Spectacular World Premier Tribute to The Most Ppular John Deere Tractor Ever Built": A limited edition "OFFICIAL JOHN DEERE TRACTOR COLLECTOR LEATHER KNIFE", accented with sterling silver. By the Franklin Mint. "Hand-painted in the trademark green enamel and precision-crafted with an authentic rubber tractor tire that actually turns".

    There's LOTS more but i'm going to bed, sure to sleep well knowing that humanity is busying (sp?) itself with such useful endeavours as the invention, making and advertising of these wonderful products.

    p.s. did you know that "Every issue of ELLE CANADA is about feeling great!"?

    		•  
      -the sister at 2:47 AM